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Relationship Questions

Losing a Father

Tue, Jan 20th 1998

I lost my Father two weeks ago to cancer. He was given 6 months to live 9 months ago . He and I had not spoken in 13 years up until 7 days before he died. I'm 24 years old now so that tells you how old I was when this whole mess started. It all started from a misunderstanding that was blown out of proportion. My father and I were both very stubborn, which is why we didn't get along. The day I went to see my father I wasn't sure how he would receive me. He was very medicated and unresponsive. This was very upsetting to me. Something in my heart tells me he knew it was me when he pulled his arm away from me. I cried that day and I haven't cried since. I am a very emotional person so I can't understand why I haven't cried for my Father. I didn't cry the morning he died but my heart has been heavy ever since. I feel like I want to cry, but I can't. I feel like I would feel better if I could cry, but I can't even force it. This stays on my mind all the time. It is really starting to effect my attitude. I'm highly irritated very easily. I've come close to having a fight. I simply don't care about a lot of things or people anymore. I don't know what I have built up inside of me that's making me so angry and hateful. That's not me! I am usually in control. I've gotten very good at handling my emotions. I don't know what to do to fix this. Why does my heart feel so heavy? Have I gotten so used to having this emotional wall up when it comes to my Father, that I can't show emotion now? Have I already mourned my Father years ago when he stopped being a part of my life? Please tell me what you think, this is beginning to drive me slightly mad.

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